I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
