Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
