Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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