did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
