I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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