Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
