M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
