Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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