i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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