I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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