I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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