the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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