Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
