Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
