did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
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