Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Boobs speak an international language.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
do nipples grow back?
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