Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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