New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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