I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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