Acid is not a monday night drug
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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