I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
