...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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