You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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