im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
