if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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