He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
