Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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