he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
