I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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