Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
