they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
