Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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