my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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