I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dicks are not precious.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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