and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
