sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
