Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
