It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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