The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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