hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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