I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
