chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got inside last night via doggy door
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
