we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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