They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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