we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
