Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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