I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
false alarm. still invincible.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
