I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
