It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
