and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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