new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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