I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
