i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
