so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
