imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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