I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i will never coherently bang her
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
