I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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