went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
