rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
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Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.