I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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