I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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