How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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