I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
